


A Closet Full of Thrift Store Rejects

by MissLiz



Category: Gunsmoke
Genre: F/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-10-08
Packaged: 2018-02-20 08:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2421932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissLiz/pseuds/MissLiz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kitty had some beautiful dresses in the black and white era of the series, but she got way too many visits from the bad wardrobe fairy during the color seasons. This is my (hopefully not too offensive) take on  that. Takes place during the episode Time of the Jackals and contains spoilers for that episode and the episodes Kitty’s Outlaw and The Way It Is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Closet Full of Thrift Store Rejects

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t own these characters, and if this story is any indication, that’s probably a good thing.

From their underground lair beneath Dodge City, Bunny Russell and her henchman, Bad Bellam, Ad Bellam’s eviller twin, plotted their next act of mayhem against the citizens of Dodge, namely Marshal Matt Dillon and his stunningly beautiful is-she-or-isn’t-she girlfriend, saloonkeeper Kitty Russell. As usual, Bunny interrupted their plotting session with one of her many tirades.

“I hate her!” Bunny seethed, stomping back and forth in the secret room in the cellar of the Lady Gay saloon, tossing empty whiskey bottles in Bad’s direction. “She ruined my life when she stole Cole Yankton from me and she’s been ruining it ever since! After she stole Cole from me that Marshal friend of hers killed him in a jealous rage. She even stole my name! I’m the one who should have been named Kitty! No one takes a villainess named Bunny seriously!”

“You could always change it,” Bad suggested, smirking. They had this conversation every single night and he never got tired of yanking her chain.

“And let her win? Don’t forget she ruined your life, too.”

“That’s right,” Bad snarled. “My brother is dead because of her. True, I never liked that wimp and he blew his chance to kill them both, but blood is thicker than water,” he looked over at Bunny slyly, “usually. And it was pretty convenient to blame him for everything. If the guys who were after me hadn’t beaten him up by mistake*, I’m the one Kitty would have rescued and then the Marshal would have shot me. Wait, what were we talking about?”

“Getting revenge on Kitty and Dillon, you imbecile! I swear, sometimes I think you’re the one with the head injury, after all. My latest plan has to work. Now that I have all Kitty’s real clothes, she’ll have no choice but to wear the replacement outfits I left in her closet. As soon as he sees her in one of those hideous monstrosities, Matt Dillon will be mine!” Bunny cackled maniacally.

“But why go to all the trouble of stealing him from Kitty if you want to get revenge on him?” Bad questioned her obtusely.

“You fool!” Bunny exploded. “Do I have to explain this to you every single night? Once I have Dillon, I’m going to tell every person in Kansas that he’s my man. I can’t think of any better revenge than that.”

“Neither can I, Bunny. Neither can I.”

 

*****************************************************************

 

Kitty Russell stood looking into her closet in dismay. She’d gotten behind on her laundry before, but this was ridiculous. She was down to the bottom of the barrel when it came to deciding what to wear today. In fact, it was worse than the bottom of the barrel. Not only had Kitty never worn any of these dresses before, she was quite positive she’d never even seen them. “Was I drunk the last time I went to the dressmaker?” she wondered. Unfortunately, it was entirely possible. One morning several months ago she’d blacked out and woke up that evening in the alley behind the Lady Gay with the worst headache of her life and no memory of what she’d done that day. Matt had teased her unmercifully for weeks, whenever he was in town, that is, about not being able to hold her liquor. Clearly, she had not been herself when she ordered these dresses.

This bad wardrobe day had come at an especially inopportune time. Just the day before, one of Matt’s disreputable ex-girlfriends had taken up residence in the room next to hers, and it was time for the requisite confrontation scene. She intended to go in there looking her best, and for that she needed her most flattering dress, not something that made her look like a desperate spinster ax-murderer. On the other hand, if she couldn’t rely on her beauty to intimidate Lee into leaving town, she might as well wear something that would frighten her into taking the next stage out. She sighed, taking out the worst dress of all, a wretched, voluminous white dress with black trim. She looked at the pitiful creation with distaste. “Not even Edsel Pry is uptight enough to wear this thing,” she sighed as she put it on. She nearly cried when she caught her reflection in the mirror. That bustle was big enough to cover Bess Roniger’s backside, bless her heart. The only consolation was that Matt was out of town with the posse, chasing Lee’s outlaw boyfriend. No doubt he would be gone for days and by that time this whole clothing nightmare would be behind her. Wait, did she really just say “behind her?” Now she was making bad puns. She needed to get ahold of herself before she went next door. She opened her door and, with a confidence she did not feel, stepped into the hall. “Just walk in there like you own the place. Oh, that’s right. I do own the place.”

 

Well, the blonde didn’t scare easily, she had to give her that. She had some nerve, all but asking Kitty to leave town. Somehow, in spite of the fashion humiliation, she managed to hold her own in the conversation. Then, disaster struck, in the form of Sam interrupting to let her know the posse was coming in. _Already? Crap!_ The bullet-ridden Lee had already turned Matt’s head. If he saw her in this dress, it would probably be a month before he stopped by at closing time for a nightcap.

Mercifully, Matt appeared not to notice what she was wearing when he turned up at the Long Branch, uncharacteristically minutes instead of hours after riding back into town. For a change Kitty was grateful when his latest damsel in distress caused him to look through instead of at her. Maybe she would have time to track down her normal clothes and put an end to this wardrobe disaster before Lee had a chance to make her next move.

Sadly, or perhaps in a way luckily, that wasn’t to be. Kitty’s beautiful custom designed dresses were still nowhere to be found, leaving her with no alternative but to wear the pathetic white and black number to work that night. It was quiet on Front Street, too quiet, and Kitty was beginning to get the feeling it was going to be one of those nights when, suddenly, it was. The relative silence of footsteps walking down the street and one wagon driving past was shattered by a gunshot, quickly followed by two more, and Newly shouting “Drop the guns!” As usual, Kitty ran to the door to see whether Matt was all right.

From the doorway, she could see a woman’s body huddled on the ground, and more bodies a few yards away. Matt was standing over them. Kitty got to Lee before Matt did, and lifted her nearly lifeless body toward her. “I finally did something worthwhile, Matt,” she said weakly, then looked up at Kitty, saying “Take care of him, Redhead,” before falling back with her eyes closed. _I always do_ , she told Lee silently. Looking down, she realized Lee had done more than one worthwhile thing, for the blood-soaked white and black dress was now not only figuratively but literally not fit to wear.

“Well, isn’t this a cozy scene,” a woman’s voice sneered. Kitty and Matt looked up to see Kitty’s exact double, wearing the form-fitting deep red dress that Kitty would have been wearing tonight if she’d been able to find it. “Kitty, you’re just too good to be true. That woman’s your enemy and there you are trying to take care of her. You ought to learn to be a little more vindictive, like me.”

“Bunny!” Kitty gasped.

“ _Bunny?_ ” Matt asked incredulously. “Who names their child after an animal?” _Oh, wait._ Matt avoided looking at Kitty as she cleared her throat behind him.

“I might have known you were behind this, Bunny,” Kitty said icily. “At least the part about the missing clothes. How’d you manage to pull that off?”

“Oh, it was genius, really,” Bunny bragged. “One day I slipped a couple of those sleeping powders into your coffee, and when that didn’t knock you out fast enough, I hit you over the head and dumped you out back of the Lady Gay. Then I took your place at the dressmaker’s, and after I got her drunk enough and then paid her extra, she didn’t suspect a thing. And my plan would have worked, too, if Lee hadn’t gotten in the way. When you had nothing to wear but those ugly dresses I left you, the Marshal was supposed to drop you for _me_ , not her!”

“Why, Bunny? You told me you hated him.”

“To keep the two of you apart, of course. You stole Cole from me and Matt killed him and you both have to pay!”

“I did you a favor taking Cole off your hands, Bunny! He was a no-good gambler who dumped me in the first one-horse town we stopped in. And Matt _had_ to kill him after he robbed the bank.”

“Whatever!” Bunny said impatiently. “Since my plan didn’t work, I have no choice but to kill you both!”

Matt, who had been watching the proceedings with a mixture of confusion and amusement, suddenly realized it was time to take control of the situation. “Hold it!” he snapped, drawing his gun.

“Don’t shoot her, Matt!” Kitty cried. “She’s wearing my best dress!” Matt lowered his gun but kept a watchful eye on Bunny, who, despite her threat, appeared to be unarmed.

“Well, I guess I’m just going to have to kill you all,” a voice said from the shadows. A stocky, dark-haired man stepped out behind Matt, pointing a gun at his back. “Just put the gun down nice and easy and I’ll let your girlfriend live a couple minutes longer than you do.” Matt let his gun fall to the ground and looked in Kitty’s direction. _It’s all right, Kitty._

“Ad?” Kitty whispered. “But you’re--I thought Matt--”

“That was my brother,” the man said. “I’m Bad Bellam, and now that Bunny’s botched her part of the plan, I have a score to settle with all of you, starting with the Marshal, here.” Bad raised the gun to the back of Matt’s head and pulled back the hammer.

 _Not with my man, you don’t!_ Kitty snatched Lee’s gun from the ground next to her and aimed at Bad, praying it was still loaded. “Bellam!” Bad turned in her direction, firing. His shot went wild. Kitty pulled the trigger, hitting Bad in the shoulder. Moments later, Festus and Newly returned.

“Take them to jail,” Matt ordered, motioning toward Bunny and Bad. “And have Percy come for these bodies.”

“But Matthew!” Festus exclaimed. “This here she-male looks jus’ like Miss Kitty!”

“Trust me, Festus. She’s not.”

“Oh, fiddle, Matthew! I knowed thet! I wuz jus’ sayin’....”

Festus and Newly hauled away the prisoners, leaving Matt and Kitty alone on Front Street with the bodies. Matt helped Kitty to her feet, noticing as he did so that she avoided his eyes. He cleared his throat several times before speaking. “You know, Kitty, it’s not too often a man has his life saved by two women in the same night.”

“You’re welcome,”Kitty said evenly, still not looking at him.

“I guess I owe you a drink.”

“At least.”

He figured he should probably quit while he was ahead, but Matt had a request to make. “Say, Kitty, before we have that drink, you think you could do something for me?”

Finally looking at him with narrowed eyes, she asked suspiciously, “What’s that?”

“What are the chances of you taking off that dress first?”

Kitty kept her best poker face as she looked at him for a long time, trying to decide exactly what he meant by that request. She finally decide she didn’t care and rewarded him with a smile. “I’d say you can count on it, Cowboy,” she answered, putting her arm around his waist. Matt put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her as close as he dared to in public as they walked together to the Long Branch.

**Author's Note:**

> *Yes I know Ad told Kitty he fell in the stream and hit his head in The Way It Is. Who says he didn’t fall in the stream because someone attacked him? He never did tell Kitty what he did for a living. He was probably an outlaw.


End file.
